I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize