Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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