I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
