Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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