we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
