I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
