So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm at about main and main street
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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