My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
