just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
