I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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