I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
