I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you will always have a special place in my vag
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
