a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
