I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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