I'm sorry my penis didn't work
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
