Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
