remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
