the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
