that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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