i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When are your genitals available?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
