All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
