I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
