Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Welp...herpes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
