Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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