How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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