Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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