Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
