just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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