Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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