Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
