After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
