I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
