i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize