I'm passing your future prison.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just had sex on a roof
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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