Don't make out with my wife yet
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
