3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
