A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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