i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
