My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
