She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
