dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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