she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
