i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
