i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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