I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
