Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
