did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
