You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
