chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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