You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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