he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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