You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
