Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
