if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
