Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
