haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
