Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize