Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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