last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize