God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Welp...herpes.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
