You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize