Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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