hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
