i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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