you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
